I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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