He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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