Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
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Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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