You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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