ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
