i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
