Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
