Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
