i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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