I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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