2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
