our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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