you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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