Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you had me at cake vodka
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
