Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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