He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
