every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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