you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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