dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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