I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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