I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
