new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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