please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
