I cannot find my penis.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sex in the backyard? Check.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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