Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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