What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
