I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
