the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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