There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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