The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
