I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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