Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
