boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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