The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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