Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
