I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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