they need to just BURY HIM!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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