Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
