dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
