I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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