I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
