I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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