This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
