there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
they're like a gay fantastic four
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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