Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
