There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
