I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
