so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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