I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The Olympian is in my bed
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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