so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
