if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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