my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
