If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
