They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
